Monthly Archives: December 2016

Bad Language

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With the holiday season seems to come lots of stress. Shopping, preparing food, cleaning the house, wrapping presents, spending time with family, traveling…it all sounds delightful, doesn’t it? But we all know how things can go at this time of year. Everything brings frustration, and frustration can cause bad language. Whether you use actual curse words, or the milder version of the naughty words, you’ve probably used bad language this holiday season.

Let’s start with some travel planning to be with family, or to take that winter getaway to warmer climates. Deciding where to go, how to get there, and with whom to travel can lead to lots of bad language.

“Gosh darn it, Marge! We are NOT taking your mother with us to Belize!”

“We are NOT driving to New York at Christmas! There is too much %$&*#*@% traffic, Martha!”

“Holy $&*%@!, David, look at that security line! We’ll never get on the plane!”

OK, so maybe you are staying put for the holidays. But surely you’ll have some shopping to do. Whether heading to the local mall, or shopping online, there will be issues.

“Did you see that, Lori? That &%$#* took my parking space!”

“We just went to umpteen stores, Susan, and you still haven’t found the perfect gift for Aunt Jane? Well, she’s getting the darned slippers we saw at the first store, then!”

“*&%$&$#, I have clicked SUBMIT fifteen times!!! What do you want me to do???”

SO, the shopping is done, travel plans are made, and now you must make that special dish that you always bring to the celebration. The one where you actually have to follow the recipe, or it won’t turn out quite right. The one that takes every utensil, bowl, pan and measuring cup you have. You’re up to your elbows in dough that’s just not the right consistency.

“This does NOT look like my mom’s quiche dough, Jerry! What the heck am I supposed to do with this?”

“&%$#, %$@#&, *%&$#@!!!” as you drop the pan of cake batter on the way to the oven.

While the goodies are baking, you decide to wrap some presents. What could go wrong?

“No, Scottie, Mommy said to hold your finger on the ribbon, not put a gosh darn booger on it!”

“I know I put the tape down somewhere…where the %$&*@ did it go? Did I put it in that box with Brad’s &%*$# shirt?”

But remember, the holidays are a time for rejoicing, celebrating and having some good times with family and friends. So, if you must curse to relieve that stress, let it fly and move on to the good times.

Happy &%#$@ holidaze!

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Monopolized

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Just for fun…a challenge to use all of the Monopoly pieces in a story…

It was up to the dog to do everything. He ironed his shirt. He put on his top hat and drove to town in the race car, where he sold tickets to the re-enactment, where they shot off the cannon every Saturday. This was so he could earn a few bucks for gas for the race car. He had a summer job on the cruise ship, cleaning up spills and singing karaoke to entertain the passengers.

When he wasn’t out earning his keep, he ran around the neighborhood, peeing on everyone’s property. This is how the Marvin Gardens cul-de-sac became yellow. Boardwalk and Park Place have banned him from the property.

If he doesn’t get thrown in jail, and his luck holds out, he brings home $200 for passing GO on his way home. By the time he gets home, he’s so tired, he just plops in his shoe and falls fast asleep.

Can’t Make Me

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My mother always told me I could do anything I wanted to. I remember my grandmother saying I was independent, and, according to her, when I was a wee toddler I would always say, “Self! Self!” Yes, I’m independent, and usually I can do anything I put my mind to – or at least recognize when it’s time to call someone and pay THEM to do it.

But being independent means I also know what I DON’T want to do. I often say to myself, “You can’t make me!” or, “That’s just not FAIR!” I love that John Mellencamp song that goes, “I fight authority, authority always wins.” I have a bumper sticker on my guitar case that says Question Authority. Oh, yeah! I’m always bucking the system. At least in my head.

I like to create these scenarios where I say what’s on my mind. But in reality, I usually just wimp out. When the system enrages me, I have a whole list of responses run through my brain. They all SOUND so powerful and smart, and I can envision myself saying them with such force and commitment. But what really comes out is a quiet, “Well, okay, I guess.” My can’t make me attitude DOES cause me to stand up for myself in most cases, but the more radical defenses are only in my head.

Like when my boss has taken advantage of my persistence and efficiency, piling on more and more work, and I work out all these points I will make in my come-to-Jesus chat with him. I even make a list so I won’t forget any of the points in the heat of the discussion. I imagine the conversation, accounting for every possible response on his part, and what I will say in return. I am ready! But when that conversation takes place, IF it even does take place, I might bring up just one of the items from my list, and present it in a very wimpy way, missing the point entirely. I find myself walking away feeling worse than I had before the chat.

Or when a co-worker has taken advantage of my work ethic and let me do all the work, yet takes credit for it. I work out that same sort of list, and really prepare for anything she might say. And then I chicken out and don’t even HAVE the conversation with her! I am SUCH a wimp!

Then I beat myself up again and again for not sticking up for myself. I am GREAT at making the lists and figuring out what’s wrong with a situation, and outlining what is FAIR. But I am TERRIBLE at confrontation, and ALWAYS wimp out. And I seem to always be around people who are NOT afraid of confrontation, and often find myself in that submissive mode, walking away after really going out on a limb saying, “Well, okay, I guess.”